Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Early Morning: The Struggle Continues

Some have predicted that my being forced to get up at 5:15 to teach my dreaded 7:30 a.m. class will be good for me. That sliding into an early, early morning schedule will change my life for the better. I'll have more daylight, feel more energized, leave my extremist nocturnal ways behind forever.

My spouse, faithful Adorer of the Dawn, is now witnessing the details of my new regimen. He would undoubtedly hear fewer protests from me if I were kept locked in a straw-lined cage and awakened by the blast of a firehose at 6 a.m., then dragged by the tangled hair into the kitchen and forced to re-enact the Von Trapp family's "Lonely Goatherd" play using only wooden spoons and sticks of butter.

I've been trying desperately to ramp up to my new wake-up time. Had I any brains in my head, I'd have started this process at least a month ago. But that would've involved foresight and intelligence, and that all-important dollop of self-discipline. Which we ain't got none of 'round here. At least not in my corner of the house.

Scott has this wonderfully pragmatic way of living. If something needs to be done, he just does it. Rarely does he complain about anything. His general attitude is a sleek quarterhorse twitching with anticipation at the starting gate, while mine is a limping, angry, emaciated donkey who gnaws at the fencepost while composing hate letters to the flies on his back.

Poor Scott has ended up with a woman who must sustain a running commentary on her misery, lest the world not fully comprehend how downtrodden she is. Among the comments he has heard from me during the past 3 mornings:

"You cannot possibly understand how awful this is for me."
"If you loved me you would make this go away."
"This is going to kill me."
"No. Eggs sound gross."
"I detest the sunlight."
"What is the POINT of ANYTHING???"

And this is my best self.

I try to force perspective upon my defeated thoughts. I realize that I could be in many worse circumstances. I still have my health, people who love me, a house to live in, food to eat, etc. What if I were in military boot camp, where even a smidgen of whining is rewarded with a 10 mile run? And if you pass out during the run, unspeakable volunteered fluids are poured over your incoherent skull. THEN I'd have something to cry about.

Ah, but the fencepost is so tasty.


  • At 4:29 PM, Blogger Jerry said…

    Creature of the night? If I knew Scott, I would tell him to stand beside you in front of a mirror.

  • At 6:32 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Shhh. Ix-nay the ampire-vay talk. I haven't broken it to Scott yet. First we must clear the fridge of garlic.

  • At 12:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    We have lots of garlic. At all times.

    I ain't no dummy.

  • At 6:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Getting up at 5:15 is decidedly brutal, Candy, but I have to say that I think Hankie is the real victim here. I bet he wonders why you no longer have him wear various bonnets in the wee hours of the morning. I bet he especially misses the one that made him look like Laura Ingalls Wilder.

  • At 9:38 AM, Blogger Lisa Dunick said…

    no one should have to be conscious at 5AM-- no one. ever. yech.

    The office is gonna suck this year. Maybe I'll just call in sick. All. Year.

  • At 10:33 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    LD, I'm so homesick for our office I could just hurl.

  • At 2:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I wasn't sure if you were going back to teaching. I had this vision of you taking a sabbatical from teaching and writing all of the time. Sorry I invented a different life for you but I'm still waiting for that great novel to be written by you.

  • At 2:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    All of the English teachers are cringing who have read my last posting. Sorry! It does make me nervous to write on here since there are so many scholarly people reading!

  • At 2:37 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Belle. Trust me. NOBODY is cringing. And if somebody uber snobby looked on these comments and thought someone didn't craft something just exactly right, well, they can take a flying kiss at my thesaurus.

    I just left a comment on someone else's blog the other day and used the word "even" 4 times. So you and I will be tossed to the editing hounds together.

  • At 3:33 PM, Blogger EB said…

    We ain't those kinds of English teachers, Belle. If we was, Candy wouldn't like us.

    Candy -- quityerbitchin. I'm getting up at 4:30. And mine's bigger 'en yours. Or something.

  • At 3:39 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Why the hell are you getting up at 4:30? Oh, I bet it's cause you moved far out in the pukeweeds with that BOY. And now you have a long drive to civilization.

  • At 6:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Thank you, ed and candy. I feel more free to write me some bad English. I'm going to use your and you're wrong and drive candy crazy!

  • At 6:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Sorry I called you ed instead of eb! I just can't get it right today!

  • At 7:58 AM, Blogger Gail said…

    I read this post after I complained about early morning folks. How strange that some of us marry our opposites. Great post!

  • At 5:54 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    I so understand your struggle w/the morning routine. Last time I had to get up that early it was for a 6:30 am job and usually late because I was out partying w/my then-boyfriend until 3 am. Yeah. So it was great because I didn't care about being yelled at for the lateness and by the time the haze/grogginess wore off it was time to go home... Those were some good times. Now I won't get my a** out of bed before 6:45 unless there's a plane waiting for me. = ]

  • At 5:55 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    And you know, it never seems to get easier. I am SO over this early crap.


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