Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Monday, July 31, 2006

Reasons I Do Not Want a Front-Butt *

*Perhaps the less sophisticated reader is not familiar with the term "front-butt." Let me explain. It is a butt on the front of your body. A gut that has gotten so out of hand, so enamored with its own girth, that it has grown in such a way as to almost perfectly mirror the butt you have on the back of your body. It's just up a little higher. There are those few special people in the world who have managed the front butt to be the same height as the back one. They have rare powers. Mostly the power to make masses of innocent people on the street puke up things they ate 25 years ago. But still. That's power.


1. While sitting in the bathtub, I would like to be fully able to look downward and tell which gender I am.

2. During sex, it is more romantic not to hear a guy driving a forklift over to the steel-reinforced bed, to lift your front butt out of the way of the Hallowed Love Tunnel.

2. a. If you're unlucky enough to have a front butt, and so does your partner, sex becomes a futile display of amateur sumo, each of you splamming into the gut of the other, smooshing those lipo-lard bags together, and the sound it makes when you come apart, well, no human should ever ever hear.

3. Your choice of pants is limited. In my hometown, deep in Indiana, you see nothing but stretch-pants on women. A pair of zip-up Levi's have not darkened the door of the city limits in decades. They were made extinct by the tepid turquoise blues and dull maroons of polyester whale garments. Orca-wear. Why? Because the people in my hometown have front butts. Nearly all of them. Those who do not have front butts stay inside. To go outside would be to risk being the target of 100 cans of whipped cream pulled from 100 mouths of front butt owners, sick with envy over the tantalizing world of jeans.

4. The front-butt can travel. It can mutate innocent-bystander parts of your body. Case in point, my ex-mother-in-law. That heifer was some kind of deep jungle amazon-tribe queen of the front butt. I mean, she was fat everywhere, but that sac of primordial ooze on her gut started to develop ennui over where it was, and it packed up and took little one-way trips. Her ankles became so fat with front-butt-matter that when she wore her lovely black church-going pumps, her ankles frothed over the sides of them like foam off a cheap mug of beer. Beware the migration of the front butt.


  • At 10:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I had to read the whole thing three times.

    You're mad, Candy. And brilliant.

  • At 11:26 PM, Blogger Ana Martin said…

    Well. You're the queen of the butt posts. That's the truth.

  • At 12:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Verily, she knoweth the joke of all butts. Selah.

  • At 6:59 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Could I be more turned on by the second item #2?

    Um, yes. Yes I could. But honestly, is anything more exciting than the discovery of one's new sexual partner's gender?

  • At 4:14 PM, Blogger Ana Martin said…


  • At 2:04 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Sheesh. Don't you peeps know that front-butts are the new black?

  • At 10:29 PM, Blogger Ana Martin said…

    Oh. Well in that case I'll just have to git me one.

  • At 12:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    i have a friend whose grandmother has a front has a vertical crease/cleft. yep, you guessed it. she had a hysterectomy a long time ago and then plumped up some. when her belly grew the scar didn't have much give to it. now when she lays down to take a nap and is wearing those stretchy pants you see this weird front butt crack.

  • At 1:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    The last one of your ex-mother-inlaw's ankles. We call those cankles. Or calves that just go down to her ankles....almost as funny as the term front butt

  • At 1:19 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Ted. I love the word "cankles." Sickening. Ack.

  • At 5:32 PM, Blogger Damian Yerrick said…

    When I was little, a "front butt" was merely the front of the groin area, with the genitals.

  • At 6:04 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Tepples, interesting name!

    I had never even heard the phrase "front butt" until a few years ago!


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