Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Sunday, July 09, 2006

The Hodgepodge Flurry of Forces Running My Life

I won't bother mentioning how many times I've lost the battle with sugar since I last posted here. It's too humiliating. And it's even more humiliating to have to describe this push and pull as a battle with sugar. Sugar.

Sugar is not heroin, crack, alcohol, gambling, nicotine, kleptomania, etc. etc. It's me against sweet things to eat. What a complete pansy I am. Poor poor widdle Candy, she's having a rough time walking across the board of the Candyland game without falling down and shredding her face on the steely splinters of peppermint sticks.

As you may have gathered, I'm a bit repulsed by my own inability to just do what's healthy for my body and to shut the fuck up. But no. It's a drama. Save me! I'm on the edge of a cliff, about to jump to my diabetic death into yummy Milk Chocolate Bay.

One of the stupidest sugar-intake freak-out low points of the past few weeks: Nutella. Me and Nutella. Never heard of it? It's next to the peanut butter at the grocery store. Made of chocolate and hazelnuts, ground up to make this smooth, creamy, sinister, decadent, spreadable, spoonable best treat in the galaxy. I bought a jar. A jar has 10 2-tablespoon servings. I ate the jar in 2 nights. I bought another one. I ate half of it. I saw the error in my ways. I knew I couldn't just toss the jar in the wastebasket or the trash bin outside because I would toss my pride to the western wind and crawl in like a weasel and get it out and start up again. So I opened it and poured in some apple-green Dawn dishwashing liquid. Like I had to kill it. I had to slay it. Like it was one of those mythical many-headed snake monsters and you cut one head off and another grows back.

There are people in the world with serious problems. At church this evening, someone asked for prayer for a friend of hers who has just been diagnosed with lung cancer, and has been give four to six weeks to live. Yeah. Imagine it.

So there is no reason at all to whine and whimper and freak out over the fact that I need to stop eating sugary, poisony things that are going to make me sick. And there is no reason to make a big deal of it. Right?

But here's the thing. Take my comforting little habit away from me and there's nothing left between me and, uh, me. If I can't flip my head open like a Pez dispenser and ram a half pound of chocolate down into my anxious tummy, I have to stay where I am, in the life I'm living, and just deal with it. By the way, if I get any more cliche in the next 30 seconds, please, someone push the big eject button that will jettison my little house, with me in it, into the outer regions of the Milky Way. Fuck. Milky Way.

OK, never mind what I was saying. I'll sum it up. Ready?

I'm tired of struggling. Fighting the same boring, frustrating, mind numbingly repetitive repetitive repetitive battles, fears, hang-ups all the time. Give me something new and interesting to fight. Not life-threatening. But maybe a fresh fear of penguins. Or an obsession with those tiny little collectible spoons from all over the place, like Nag's Head, North Carolina and Bugtussle, West Virginia. Or make me yearn to travel the length of Route 66 on a unicycle.

Give me something.


  • At 12:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Okay, I'm no shrink. I'm certainly no expert, being a chunky, middle-aged starch junkie myself, but here's my "diagnosis":

    You need endorphins. Lots of them. Enough to replace the rush of sugary love that you get when you binge. Find out what gives you the most joy, and fill yourself with it- exercise and/or yoga, a hobby, pet charity, or just really immersing yourself in your writing, which I think is incredible. Do you find writing theraputic?

    Obviously, there's a physical jones too, but that will wane as you decrease your sugar intake because you've replaced it with something else. I'm rooting for you, Candy!

    Fill free to soak my comment with a good squirt of Dawn as necessary.

  • At 2:32 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    You're totally right. The trick is to get my rebellious body to start liking the endorphins that come from something other than a big melty bite of chocolate. Which is a bit like trying to open a bank vault with a bobby pin at the moment, but I'm working on it.

    Thanks for the good words about my writing. It is somewhat therapeutic. Not as much as, say, hurling a crystal wine goblet against a brick wall. But I'm running out of goblets.

    What do you do to muster up endorphins?

  • At 2:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I think I get whatever fuel I have from gratitude, Candy. I was a jaded, burned out cynic a few years ago when I changed jobs, so I took a year 'off' to do a lot of soul searching.

    My conclusions- I really needed to give myself a f@#king break (I'm a bit of a perfectionist), and that I was really blessed, which made me look in the mirror in a new way.

    I decided I don't have the right to waste whatever blessings and talents I have, and that I owed The Big Guy Upstairs a full day of trying to live my life like He would want me to, so now I bust out of bed in the morning and give it all I've got. I fall short a lot, but I've learned to not beat myself up any harder than I really deserve, then I move on.

    I've also become a big proponent of trying to be just a tiny bit better every day, as opposed to trying to make huge advances.

    Hope this helps.

  • At 7:02 PM, Blogger Ana Martin said…

    1) Nutella looks innocent enough but it's crack. Period. I can't let it in the door. You are not alone.

    2) Sugar addiction is worse than heroin addiction. It's physically harder to kick.

    3)Everyone around you is chomping it down like it's going out of style. If everyone around you were shooting smack and you had to quit, it would suck. Bad.

    4)There are a bunch of books on sugar addiction out there. There's a market for it. A big market for it. You aren't the only one. This isn't a moral failing. Sugar is a big addiction that we're sold from the time we're babies.

    5)If you need an accountability partner, I'm starting up Weight Watchers again and I need someone to pull me up by the waistband.

    6)Don't treat yourself the way you'd treat 'you'. Treat yourself the way God would treat you. You're his precious daughter. Treat God's precious and beloved daughter with love and patience.

  • At 2:04 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    I'm so glad to know that someone else knows of the hazelnut demon. And can appreciate her evil siren call.

    You and Scott have both given me uber good things to think about. Sometimes a fresh perspective is the little scalpel that starts to cut out the tumor the size of a Samsonite.


  • At 5:20 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    OMG, I so identify with your plight. It's amazing how sugar, just sugar, can be such a dictator in our lives, no? I personally call it the screaming cravings in my head. The funny thing is that sometimes my sugar cravings take other forms like starch (which instantly becomes sugar in the body) or vinegar which counters the effects of sugar, regulates the blood sugar levels. Yes, the cure gets it's screaming in there too, thank god. But it's screaming nonetheless. lol. So it's funny that just now I'm reading last year's entries and just recently my father sent me a whole box of candy. Mexican candy from his brand new neighborhood store in Tucson. Yey. Thank you, Dad. Does he not realize that I don't eat that much candy. This box could last me a year. It will not be appetizing by that time. Well, he could have sent a bottle of Tequila, thank god he's recovered and stays away from the stuff. That's the other form of sugar, eh? Yeah. So it ocurred to me that one of the kinds of candy he sent me was JUST like Nuttella. OMG. I used to put the stuff on toast and never ocurred to me to eat it like a Duvalin. Hmm. Of course, now I HAVE a couple dozen Duvalin. Man, is it sweet. ugh. Don't need to buy any Nuttella. Used to love going to the local German foods store for it. Now I'll just put Duvalin on my toast. lol. Yep, sugar: the screams in my head. I totally get the Dawn thing. = ]

  • At 2:21 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    It IS comforting to know that someone gets the Dawn thing. :)
    Thanks for telling me your own war stories!


Post a Comment

<< Home