Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Friday, September 29, 2006

Just a Gentle Reminder to the Meat-necks Who Go to the Same Gym I Do

Hello, Gentlemen. Let me first say that I fully realize that you have many important things to ponder. Your worlds are filled to the brim with crucial meetings and high-level intellectual explorations into topics that are woefully over my feeble head.

I get that. But I would like to, Your Excellencies, remind you that there are people outside your ilk who frequent your gym. With their horribly ordinary bodies, it is no surprise that you either don't notice them, or that you simply have become so appalled that you've blocked them out of your collective consciousness. Very understandable. How could you bring yourselves to look at those of us who are:

1. So shamefully not addicted to bodybuilding that we can actually let our arms rest along the sides of our bodies. Yours stick out so enticingly in that akimbo way.

2. Wearing plain old sweats and T-shirts instead of those mucho sexy tank tops you wear. The ones with the speedo backs and the armholes big enough to show us your nipples and man-boob-ish pecs. Mmmmmm. And don't get me started on those big thick leather belts you wear. Very hot. Really. They don't look anything like a William Shatner truss.

3. Drinking from plain old humdrum water bottles. We should be ashamed of not sucking down the mysterious chemical mixtures you guzzle, filled with space-age polymers and pony-urine.

We are not worthy of your orbit, it is true.

But just one request. You fancy using the weight machines by altering them with 17 other added-on weights, none of which are suitable to be added onto a weight machine in the first place. You do this to increase the meager maximum weight available on the machine. And then you do your 1600 reps, (all the while grunting and wailing like a pygmie woman giving birth to Louie Anderson) you pick up your bottle of yummy 'nad-slush and walk away. When one of us, of the unworthy, goes to use said machine, we have to unload it of its many cumbersome extra parts, and that in itself can be a workout for us. Because we are not as big or strong as you. Or nearly as cool.

So, if you could just walk that swaggering, unnaturally high butt-crack-up-to-your-neck body of yours back to the machine and undo your metal mess, it would be much appreciated.

I know you like to add extra weight. Perhaps you'd like to try weighing down your mental capacity by, say, sharpening a pencil, or unwrapping a piece of Juicy Fruit, or even trying not to cock your head sideways like a dog hearing a high pitch when someone asks you what time it is. Onward, I say!


  • At 8:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    You didn't even mention taking a second to wipe their sweat off of the equipment...

  • At 12:02 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    But you see, they don't sweat. The chemical mutation has made their sweat glands wither up to something small and useless. Like that thing in their skulls.


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