Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Monday, October 30, 2006

Le List de la Pummel

We're at that difficult time of the semester. 11 weeks in. 3 weeks till Thanksgiving Break. The students are exhausted and irritated and would tell you, if you asked them, that they're being overworked and that the bad old faculty members are mean. Really bad and mean. And bad. And that's why they're coming to class late so often and whining about paper deadlines and rolling their eyes a lot. And asking bafflingly moronic questions such as "I know I have a D on all my papers, but I can still get an A in the class, right?"

The most irritated students are the laziest and most incomprehensibly stupid. They cannot do the simplest assignments, because they have the brain capacity of a gerbil who has been oxygen deprived after a 2 week stay at the Maison de la Gere. These students must be punished.

I will admit it: Some days, Candy longs for the chance to take out her frustrations by pummeling ten or so people. I want them to line up as I call out their wretched names, accept their fate, and just make it easy for me. My friend Michelle has 2 German Shepherds, Dublin and Grania. A couple of times a week, she brushes their teeth, with an actual toothbrush and beef flavored toothpaste. The dogs understand that this must be done. And they have come to accept this routine so well that when Michelle brushes Dublin's teeth, Grania sits directly behind him, waiting her turn. The dogs have no idea why they are submitting to this treatment, only that it is their destiny.

And so it would be with The Ten. I told some co-workers today of my desire to have a public throttling. I had mentally chosen my whiniest, wussiest, surliest, most intensely annoying students, past and present, for the special list. This started a flurry of activity amongst my colleagues. They started describing their own students who must be added to the list. The many voices shouting out at once brought a tear to Candy's eye. Being the charitable type I am, I agreed to lengthen the list, to include their despicable underlings in the thrash-fest. We added all those students who have ever sat in our classes wearing their obnoxious little "ear buds"; all who have answered their cell phones; all who have sent a text message during class; all who have come to class late, then gone to sleep and even snored in class; all who have yammered the sentence "Dude, I got so wasted last night."; all football players who have full scholarships but are too frontal lobe impaired to successfully open a bottle of Aquafina; all students who whine about the grade on the paper they half-assed, and chase us down after class to ask just what it is we have against them. The call for an organized bludgeoning was heard far and wide. Torches were lit, pitchforks were wielded. We wait at the ready.

We can make room for a few more deck chairs on the Ship of Doom.

Who can we add to the list for you?


  • At 7:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    How could I possibly limit my list to ten? Unless you're just talking about yesterday. So, if you made little statues of your victims, would you call them Pummel figurines?

    Okay, I'm going.

  • At 9:50 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Little Pummel figurines. Ah, something else to destroy with my sledgehammer.

    EB, people who kiss like that should be forced to spend the rest of their days on pogo sticks. I detest them.

  • At 1:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    "Who can we add to the list for you?"

    Wink Martindale

    Thank you.

  • At 8:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Look--I don't want to fool around with these types. So just let me have a thirty-second burst with the ol' street-sweeper and I'll retire a happy man.
    Tony from the Bronx.

  • At 12:48 PM, Blogger Carin said…

    You know, many kids should waste their money on college right out of high school. Or, 20-somethings who are going because mom will kick 'em out of the house if they don't. Education is wasted on the young.

    I want to go back to school now.

  • At 6:22 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Wink Martindale. Check. Has been pummeled.

    Street sweeper gassed up and ready to go, Tony.

    Carin, how I wish I could throw out ten of my moronic students and have you in my class!!


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